Cures for Life’s Petty Annoyances
Coping Mechanisms to Deal with Annoying Events and Minor Mysteries
Any reader no doubt could list dozens of petty annoying events and puzzling things that trouble everyday life-find out here how to take action against a few of these.
1. What happens to one of a pair of socks in the laundry? Various theories including alternate universes try to explain this puzzle. However, no one known to this writer has ever satisfactorily found the cause.
There is a cure for this annoyance. Simply fold the open end of both socks together before putting them in the laundry basket. You can separate them just before they go into the washing machine. Follow this practice consistently and never lose another sock.
2. If unwanted mail—junk, political solicitations, or subscription offers keep showing up in your mailbox, get revenge. Theoretically, one can send a dollar to register with the Mail Preference Service, Direct Marketing Association, PO Box 643, Carmel, NY 10512. Anyone who truly believes this will work all the time might be interested in some ocean front property in Arizona.
There may be a better and more satisfying way to deal with this and it costs you nothing. If a return postage paid envelope is enclosed, then follow these directions. First, write on the front of the return form in large, black letters, “Remove me from your mailing list.”
Next, stuff everything that came in the junk mail into the postage pre-paid envelope. Add any heavy cardboard or other objects that will add weight, although it is probably best not to include a dead fish or other formerly edible materials or metal now that mail is screened.
Put the note about getting off the mailing list on top. Seal and put the whole package back in the mailbox or drop it off at the post office. The company will have to pay excess postage on getting back their unwanted mail. There is a possibly apocryphal story that years ago, the Democrat Party in California, by using this technique nearly bankrupted the Republican Party in an election by returning plates of lead in every donation mailing.
3. Along the lines of junk mail, an even more annoying interruption to your time is telemarketers. The Do Not Call (DNC) legislation diminished this problem a while, but there are signs telemarketers are making a comeback. There are also numerous exceptions in the DNC list. A device called a Telezapper, attached to your telephone line, can send back a special tone when the telephone or fax is answered and detects a computer-generated call. This is the same tone generated by the telephone company when a caller reaches a number not in service. Most telemarketer’s computers were programmed to remove such a number from the calling list.
As with any technological solution, the other side can develop programming that will ignore this tone. However, it is possible that Telezapper and other similar devices will still provide some relief.
Better, if technology does not help, why not have some fun with it the calls? One method involves keeping the sales person on the line as long as possible without letting them give you a sales pitch. For example, here is one script:
You: “Hello?”
Telemarketer] “Hi, I’m calling for the man (or woman) of the house, is he (she) there?” (If the caller asks for someone by name then substitute the italicized word appropriately in your next response.)
You: “Just a minute.” [Speaking to one side of the telephone but yelling loudly] “Henry, it’s for you.”
You: “Hold on please.”
Telemarketer: “Sure.”
You: [Wait some minutes, then in an irritated voice]
“Henry, get out of the bathroom and pick up the phone! You’ve been in there for an hour!”
Telemarketer: “That’s all right, I can call back.”
You: “No, no, I’m sure he wants to talk to you.”
[talking away from the phone very loudly]
“Henry, if you don’t get this phone right now, you’re going to get in big trouble!”
[Telemarketer is getting worried, but does not want to lose a possible sale.]
Telemarketer: “Is there a better time to call?”
You: “I’m going to get that idiot right now! Henry, I’m coming in there and drag you out.”
[Wait a minute or two and then, from several feet away from the telephone, clap your hands and yell anything loudly but preferably unintelligibly.]
At this point, the telemarketer hopefully will cross your number off the list of potential sales and hang up. If not, invent some further dialog involving a major argument, hopefully with the help of someone else at home. If necessary, lay the telephone down and conduct a conversation. Eventually the sales person will give up.
Besides having some harmless amusement, you will be performing a public service because the longer one of these people spends on your call without success, the less time available to bother someone else.
Use your own imagination to develop alternative scripts.
